MHR EP 2549 Handling Grief during the Holidays

What is your Grief Plan for the Holidays? The holidays are well known to be especially difficult for those with a recent devastating loss and the grief that follows. How can Heavenly Equity© help you through the holidays and how can you use a Grief Toolkit© to help those grieving?

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Transcript

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What is your grief plan during these holidays? There's more to it. And you've never heard of that.

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Welcome back to Making Heaven Real. This time of year during the holidays is the time that grief counselors will tell you is the hardest on people who are grieving and the hardest on loved ones who are left behind. Right now, during this time from Halloween through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's, is a time where people have very special, very intimate memories of times shared with those who have passed on. Grief counselors will tell you that these are the hardest times. These are also the times where you have frequent ambushes of grief. You can be going along during the day and everything going great, and suddenly a smell will come around that triggers a memory. Or you hear a song on the radio, or you hear a bell ring. Any of those have the ability of triggering a memory, which also triggers an ambush of grief. Grief counselors will also tell you that during this time is especially important that you plan ahead to celebrate that person during those special days. That you celebrate through the grief. While that sounds counterintuitive, it does make sense. Celebrate the person who was so special to you. Celebrate the person who gave you those special memories or shared those special memories with you. We talked last week about how traumatic grief is physiological and it causes changes in your body. It's not just emotions, it's not just memories, it's not just your heart. There are changes physically to your body during this grief. So you need time for your body to catch up to your mind and your soul and your heart. That may be why grief counselors also tell you never to make any radical decisions during the first year or even the first two years. Waiting for your body to catch up. We know that God did not create death, nor does he delight in the destruction of the living. That's a quote from the Book of Wisdom. Similar wording is found in Ezekiel 33. So if God does not take delight in the destruction of the living, we know God does not take delight in the pain and suffering of those left behind. So let's kind of look into what God provides for us during these times. We've talked several times about how we as humans don't really have any good steadfast way of handling grief. For the most part. You know, the discussion we had a couple episodes ago is our way of handling grief is broken. And we use an example of a coworker who was told to come back to work in five days or get over it. We have manuals for expecting a baby, a marriage, honeymoon, first house. There are no manuals for death and grief. Yet everyone you know will die. And your family, friends, anyone you've had in contact come in contact with will grieve at some level for your loss or the loss of that special person. Brushing aside your grief, trying to overrun your grief, it's not gonna help. Many people do that by diving into food or liquor or drugs or activities or even spiritual activities. Well, spoiler alert, your grief will win. Paula Coslin in her book says, although we make progress with our grief in the first few months and years, in reality we will continue to grieve and heal throughout our lifetime. The part of that quote that I like the most is that we will continue to grieve and heal. She goes on to say, How will I continue to honor that special relationship I had and still have with my loved one? Again, the part of that that really stands out is honor that special relationship I still have with my loved one. A local pastor has reminded us that the lot through the loss of his father, he read in a book that we need to find our way to, quote, thin places in the world where the veil between heaven and earth grows thin and we can start making physical contact with God. Let me read it one more time and let it set in a little bit. We need to find our way to thin places in the world where the veil between heaven and earth grows thin and we can start making physical contact with God. Grief is as much physical as it is emotional. And trying to use spiritual busyness to hide grief doesn't help. However, there is evidence that communication across the veil is ready for you when you need it, when you want it, when you ask for it. And so is physical contact with God. Let me give you just a quick example, personal example. I don't like to do this too much, but I think this answers a lot of the points we're discussing today just within this one example. When I lost my wife, I was in a town that was basically her hometown. Hadn't been there long enough to have a whole lot of friends. And when it came time for me to look at the current status and looking at community and looking at people that I can be involved with to help with this, even the grief counselor kind of admitted it probably was time for me to consider moving back home to a different state. During that time, I would walk around the neighborhood every day, sometimes two and three times a day. And the whole time I'm sitting there talking to God as I'm walking, I'm having this conversation where I feel like I'm not getting through. I almost feel like I'm abandoned. And I keep talking and I keep asking, and I keep wanting to know what I need to do next or what the next thing needs to be, and do I need to go back home even though it hasn't been a year or two, and that would be a major decision within the first two years, and all of those things were pointing against that, and I was wanting to know an answer. One of the first things I heard, literally heard, during these walks, was we will be talking across the veil, and that came from my late wife. Not too long after that, it ended up coming back to we will work together across the veil. Had no idea what that meant, but I was getting a response. Now I have some medical training, but I'm not a doctor. So I will preface what I'm getting ready to say with I'm not sure that there's any medical background to this comment. But when we know that your body goes through a process of recovering after traumatic grief incident, and as a part of that, it is so focused on recovering that area of need that it diminishes some of your responses in other areas. I really feel like when I felt like I wasn't being heard and I wasn't hearing from the other side, it wasn't that it wasn't happening. It's that my body wasn't recognizing it because it was dealing with the emergency. I looking back on it later, when it had enough time for my body to recover, remember several instances where there was communication during that time. Even as far back as within the first week, there was a particular situation where I needed a particular document, and I knew how organized my late wife was, and I knew it had to be in one of two or three areas, and as I'm struggling to maintain composure enough to stay together for that first week, I'm walking through the house and I'm asking, where would I find this document? I pull out one of her notebooks, put it on the counter, open the notebook, grab through it a little bit into a couple of the dividers, and as I open it up there in front of me is the document I need. That was just one of several times that it was obvious that communication was happening. Walking around the neighborhood several months later is when I heard directly from God that we needed to start this podcast. We started out in episode one talking about what you don't know, and my question is why don't we know? And the answer I got very strong and dramatically in my ear is well then we need to tell them. Even now, key points for this podcast come to me in this communication. It's here, it's available. We've talked about all the people around you, the great cloud of witnesses, all of your friends, all of your neighbors, all of your spirits. It's here when you need it. Now, from the other side of things, I told you at the beginning of the episode, if you haven't lost somebody, don't go anywhere because part of this is going to apply to you. I'm sure if you personally haven't lost somebody close to you in your family in the last year or two, you know somebody who has. One of the things that's very pronounced to people who lose someone close to them going through grief is how society as a whole has no idea how to handle grief. So it's strictly based on what I experienced in my situation. I have come up with what I call a grief support first aid kit. And it's basically just three L's. Number one, God asks us to love everybody as He loved us. It's just the love that God shows to you. And if you show that same love to someone else, especially during this time, it will be greatly appreciated. The second L is listen with no expectation. You know, a lot of what's going on with grief support is people are kind of afraid of it, and it almost turns into a performance anxiety. What will they expect me to do? What should I be doing? Is there something that's on like on a list of five things you're supposed to do for somebody grieving? I don't know any of this. What am I gonna do? And because of that, a lot of them run and hide. So L number three is linger. Be present for them. One of the things I think is felt most by people who have a major loss in grief is being abandoned. You were a friend two weeks ago, but since so and so passed, I don't see you. You're not around. We don't talk. So you feel abandoned. In my case, one of the things I will tell you that I think is kind of interesting and it's not too personal, is the neighbor across the street was a young lady who lived alone and she had two dogs. Every time I was out in the yard and they came out, those two dogs would come running over, and we'd talk, and I'd pet the dogs, and the dogs would just, you know, run and play games and do all kinds of things, and it was great. Until my wife passed. But the thing that really kind of hurt the most was I no longer had time with the dogs. They weren't my dogs. But those dogs showed affection, had fun, and no longer had that in my life. When you go back and listen and talk about listening, I had revealed in this situation in a previous episode where a coworker suddenly had her significant other die while she was out of town. It was completely devastating for her. It got to the point where people were starting to call me to ask me if I had heard from her and how she was doing. When I finally found out from her later, years later, after she returned to work, got back to some semblance of normalcy in her life, she told me she got to the point where she did not return anybody's phone calls or answer anybody but me, simply because I listened. I didn't tell her what to do, and I had no expectation. There's nothing more disorienting to somebody going through a major loss and major grief than to have a choir of people telling you what you should do. The ironic part of that is for the most part, a large number of those people telling you what you should do have never been there themselves. So you listen without expectation. You don't tell them what to do. You linger so they're not abandoned. And you love them as you would love any human as of God. Probably one of the biggest things that helped me the most that very first week after my wife passed, when I was so utterly devastated, was my son came and spent the week with me. Probably most of that week, I would say probably eighty percent of that week, he said nothing. We spent time together. He helped with decisions I needed to make. He helped me find things in the house that I couldn't find. He helped to make sure that I ate. That's how devastated I was. But the best part of his support was he was there and he listened. Like I said, almost eighty percent of the week he never said a word. But he was there. He listened, he lingered, and he loved. The three L's of your grief support kit. People who are grieving don't want you to fix it. You know? Like the coworker. She quit answering calls and talking to people because they kept telling her what to do and they kept trying to fix it. They don't want you to fix it. In all reality. You can't fix it. To a certain extent, people who are grieving don't even want you to understand. Unless you've been totally involved in that intimate relationship, which is physically impossible, you wouldn't understand the loss. People grieving definitely don't want you to be afraid that you don't know what to do. That goes back to the abandonment or the performance anxiety. They're not looking for you to do anything. They're not looking for you to know what needs to be done. They just want you to love, listen, and linger. When it comes to grief and the sudden loss, be thankful that you know that the loved one being gone is not the final word. You'll see them again. But they're with you right here right now. They're with you. They're around you now. They're listening to you now, and yes, they're even talking to you as well. If you listen. And we've talked about your loved ones being around you, your most intimate loved ones being close. We've talked about spirits being around you and the great cloud of witnesses and all those people who are there. We've also talked about heavenly equity, for which these witnesses, these spirits are apart. It's just a matter of when you're willing to listen or ask that they be apart. So during these holidays, one of the things that they're you will hear from Greece counselors is be close to family during these special days. Plan to celebrate that loved one during one of those days. Remember the happy moments with that person and be aware that grief ambushes will pop up anywhere they want to. But I've added a couple to those lists. Rely heavily on your spirit team to help and support you through the day. Be thankful for your loved one, your spirit team, and God for the heavenly equity that is shown for you every day. But especially during this day. And find one person that you can share positivity with for the day. If it's somebody outside you've never met before, but you see at the shopping center or whatever, you can show some positivity there. If you're around family, it should be very easy to show positivity. If you're around intimate family, then you can show some positivity and reflection on the loved one that has passed. You know, God has asked each of our his spirits in these human bodies that we love others. And we pass on the message of God's total unconditional love. As we pass that on, that brings on real joy. During a time of grief, during a time soon after a devastating loss, that real joy may feel a little diminished under the shroud of all of that grief. But it's joy nonetheless. That's one of the three L's in the grief toolkit. John 13 says, Love one another as I have loved you. And that's talking about our battles here on earth where God has intervened or God has helped. And we already know through our discussion of heavenly equity how long in advance God has worked on pieces and parts necessary to make an outcome possible for us. So when it comes to having a battle here on earth, you know God has already worked through part of that before you get to it. And you also know that He's already won it for us. Couple lines out of the lyrics I thought were very interesting in this case is I know how the story ends. We will be with you again and your spirit team. No more fear in life or death. Yes, we know how the story ends, but we are still writing that story right here, right now, in our life as we're dealing with grief. But we're writing that story with the help and direction of our loved one, our spirits, and our God. This is not something ethereal, occasional, or only if needed. This is life. This is your life. And this is making heaven real in your life.

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